creating, entire, collection, timeless, capable

Sherlock, M.D.

Dear Evangelical Christians:

God here.

First, I do not exist. The concept of a 13,700,000,000 year old being, capable of creating the entire universe and its billions of galaxies, monitoring simultaneously the thoughts and actions of the 7 billion human beings on this planet is ludicrous. Grow a brain.

Second, if I did, I would have left you a book a little more consistent, timeless and independently verifiable than the collection of Iron Age Middle Eastern mythology you call the Bible. Hell, I bet you cannot tell me one thing about any of its authors, their credibility or their possible ulterior motives, yet you cite them for the most extraordinary of claims.

Thirdly, when I sent my “son” (whatever that means, given that I am god and do not mate) to Earth, he would have visited the Chinese, Japanese, Europeans, Russians, sub-Saharan Africans, Australian Aboriginals, Mongolians, Polynesians, Micronesians, Indonesians and native Americans, not just a few Jews. He would also have exhibited a knowledge of something outside of the Iron Age Middle East.

Fourthly, I would not spend my time hiding, refusing to give any tangible evidence of my existence, and then punish those who are smart enough to draw the natural conclusion that I do not exist by burning them forever. That would make no sense to me, given that I am the one who withheld evidence of my existence in the first place.

Fifth, I would not care who you do or how you “do it.” I really wouldn’t. This would be of no interest to me, given that I can create universes. Oh, the egos.

Sixth, I would have smited all evangelicals and fundamentalists long before this. You people drive me nuts. You are so small minded and yet you speak with such false authority. Many of you still believe in the talking snake nonsense from Genesis. I would kill all of you for that alone and burn you for an afternoon (burning forever is way too barbaric for me to even contemplate).

Seventh, the whole idea of members of one species on one planet surviving their own physical deaths to “be with me” is utter, mind-numbing nonsense. Grow up. You will die. Get over it. I did. Hell, at least you had a life. I never even existed in the first place.

Eighth, I do not read your minds, or “hear your prayers” as you euphemistically call it. There are 7 billion of you. Even if only 10% prayed once a day, that is 700,000,000 prayers. This works out at 8,000 prayers a second — every second of every day. Meanwhile I have to process the 100,000 of you who die every day between heaven and hell. Dwell on the sheer absurdity of that for a moment.

Finally, the only reason you even consider believing in me is because of where you were born. Had you been born in India, you would likely believe in the Hindu gods, if born in Tibet, you would be a Buddhist. Every culture that has ever existed has had its own god(s) and they always seem to favor that particular culture, its hopes, dreams and prejudices. What, do you think we all exist? If not, why only yours?

Look, let’s be honest with ourselves. There is no god. Believing in me was fine when you thought the World was young, flat and simple. Now we know how enormous, old and complex the Universe is.

Move on — get over me. I did.

God



各位親愛的教徒，這兒是上帝：

首先，我不存在。相信有那種活了137億年、創造整個宇宙和數十億個星系、隨時監視地球上70億人的所作所想的東西，這個點子實在太蠢了。長點腦子吧。

再來，就算我存在，我也會留給你們一本比被你們稱作「聖經」的那本鐵器時代中東傳下來的書更融貫、更經典、其真假更能被獨立檢驗的書。在你們依著聖經的指示東征、燒女巫、阻止同性戀結婚的時候，我敢賭你們他媽沒一個人知道那本書的作者是誰、從哪來的、有多少可信度。

第三，如果我要讓我的「兒子」（雖然我實在不知道這他媽是啥意思，畢竟我是神，而且從來沒交配過）降臨人世，我會叫他跟世界各地的人都打過招呼，包括中國、日本、歐洲、俄國、非洲、澳洲、摩納根...而不是只見見幾個猶太人。

第四，若我存在的話，我才不會花時間躲著，把洩漏我蹤跡的證據都藏起來，然後處罰那些在這種情況下足夠聰明推測出我根本不存在的人。要是我那樣做，不是太傲嬌了嗎：當初是我自己要躲起來的欸！

第五，我才不在乎你跟誰打炮或怎麼打這種芝麻綠豆的瑣事。我可是創造宇宙的神欸！你們這些小屁孩以為自己是誰啊？

第六，若我在這世上，我早就開始教訓你們這些心胸狹窄的基督徒和基本教義份子了。你們道現在都還相信創世紀裡面那蛇會說話的鬼扯，真是把我給氣死。我該把你們全都斃了，然後丟到地獄去燒一個下午。（「永遠」待在地獄裡這件事對我來說有點野蠻...）

第七，很多人相信你們之間的某個種族會獲得永生並「和我在一起」，這純粹是鬼扯。面對現實啦！你們都會死！看開點，至少你們還活過，而我打從一開始就不存在。

第八，我沒辦法讀你的心聲或聽你禱告。你們有七十億人欸，就算每天只有其中一成禱告，那也是七億個禱告，我必須每秒聽8000個禱告、24小時不休息，才能把所有禱告聽完。在這同時，我每天還必須決定10萬個從你們之間掛掉的人要去天堂還是地獄...。媽的，在你禱告之前停一下，想想這整件事情有多扯。

第九，你當初會不會考慮信我，純粹決定於你在哪出生。如果你出生在印度，你就很可能會信印度的神；如果你出生在西藏，你就會變成佛教徒。每個文化都有它自己的神，而這些神也都不負眾望地支持自己那個文化的內涵、願想與偏見。你憑甚麼認為這些神全都存在？若你認為這些神並不是統統都存在，你憑甚麼認為我存在？

讓我們面對現實：我不存在。若你活在大家都認為世界又平、又年輕、又簡單的那個時代，那麼相信我存在並沒有什麼大不了。然而時代變了：現在大家都知道，這個宇宙是又大、又老、又複雜。

忘了我，然後向前看吧。

上帝



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