hellboy

The Israelite spies killed everyone in Bethel, except for the man (and his family) who showed them how to enter the city. 1:25

An angel drops by to rebuke the Israelites for being too tolerant of the religious beliefs of the people they have been massacring. He tells them that since they didn't complete their job (of killing everyone), God will not completely drive them out (like he promised to do). Instead he'll keep some of them around so that the Israelites will be ensnared by their false gods. 2:1-3

God anger "was hot against Israel, and he sold them." Well, I hope he got a good price. 2:14, 4:2

God anger "was hot against Israel, and he sold them." 3:8

The spirit of the Lord comes upon Othniel and causes him to go to war. 3:10

"The children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD: and the LORD strengthened Eglon the king of Moab against Israel ... So the children of Israel served Eglon the king of Moab eighteen years." 3:12-14

God "delivers" more folks into the hands of his chosen people. "And they slew of Moab ... about 10,000 men ... and their escaped not a man." 3:28-29

"The Lord discomfited Sisera ... with the edge of the sword ... and there was not a man left." 4:15-16

Jael (our heroine) offers food and shelter to a traveler (Sisera, Jabin's captain), saying "turn in my Lord ... fear not." Then after giving him a glass of milk and tucking him in, she drives a tent stake through his head. "So God subdued on that day Jabin." 4:17-23

For murdering her guest while he slept, Jael is "blessed above women." (Hail Jael, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women....?) 5:24-26

hellboy

"So let all thine enemies perish, O Lord." (Let them all have their temples pierced by blessed women.) 5:31

"The children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD: and the LORD delivered them into the hand of Midian seven years."
God forces the Israelites to be slaves to the Midianites for seven years. 6:1

"The LORD said unto him, Surely I will be with thee, and thou shalt smite the Midianites as one man." God promises to help Gideon kill all the Midianites. 6:16

When Gideon and his water-lapping companions blow their trumpets, God forces all the enemy soldiers to kill each other, killing 120,000. 7:22, 8:10

Two princes are killed and their heads are brought to Gideon. 7:25

For refusing to feed him and his army, Gideon swears that he'll tear the flesh off the elders of Succoth. (And he carries out his threat in verse 16.) 8:7

Gideon says he'll destroy the tower of Peneul when he "comes again in peace." 8:9

"He took the elders of the city, and thorns of the wilderness and briers, and with them he taught the men of Succoth." 8:16

"He beat down the tower of Penuel, and slew the men of the city." 8:17

Gideon orders his son to kill two kings, but he refuses. So Gideon has to do it himself since his son isn't "man" enough to do it. 8:20-21

hellboy

Abimelech kills 70 brothers "upon one stone." (He was trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records.) 9:5

God sends evil spirits that cause humans to deal treacherously with each other. 9:23-24

"Thus God rendered the wickedness of Abimelech, which he did unto his father, in slaying his seventy brethren."
Abimelech's sin wasn't against the 70 brothers that he killed but against his father (Gideon, already dead). 9:56

"And all the evil of the men of Shechem did God render upon their heads: and upon them came the curse of Jotham the son of Jerubbaal."
God had one thousand men and women burned to death to punish them for supporting Abimelech rather than Jotham. 9:57

God is angry at Israel so he sells them to the Philistines. He had previously sold them to the kings of Mesopotamia (3:8) and Canaan (4:2). He's such a shrewd businessman! 10:7

"God ... delivered Sihon and all his people into the hand of Israel, and they smote them: so Israel possessed all the land of the Amorites." 11:21

"Whomsoever the LORD our God shall drive out from before us, them will we [the Israelites] possess." 11:24

When "the spirit of the Lord" comes upon Jephthah, he makes a deal with God: If God will help him kill the Ammonites, then he (Jephthah) will offer to God as a burnt offering whatever comes out of his house to greet him. God keeps his end of the deal by providing Jephthah with "a very great slaughter." But when Jephthah returns, his nameless daughter comes out to greet him (who'd he expect, his wife?). Well, a deal's a deal, so he delivers her to God as a burnt offering -- after letting her spend a couple of months going up and down on the mountains bewailing her virginity. 11:29-39

"The LORD delivered them into his hands ... And he smote them ... even twenty cities ... with a very great slaughter." 11:32-33

42,000 Ephraimites fail the "shibboleth" test and are killed by Jephthah's army. 12:6

hellboy

The Israelites "did evil in the sight of the Lord," so he "delivered them into the hand of the Philistines forty years." 13:1

When "the spirit of the Lord" comes upon Jephthah, he makes a deal with God: If God will help him kill the Ammonites, then he (Jephthah) will offer to God as a burnt offering whatever comes out of his house to greet him. God keeps his end of the deal by providing Jephthah with "a very great slaughter." But when Jephthah returns, his nameless daughter comes out to greet him (who'd he expect, his wife?). Well, a deal's a deal, so he delivers her to God as a burnt offering -- after letting her spend a couple of months going up and down on the mountains bewailing her virginity. 11:29-39

"Her father ... did with her according to his vow which he had vowed." 11:39

"And the Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty men ... and gave change of garments unto them which expounded the riddle."
When the Spirit of the Lord came upon Samson, he killed 30 men at random and took their clothes and gave it to the guys at the party as a prize for guessing his riddle.
(Samson might have been a decent person if he could have kept the spirit of the Lord off him.) 14:19

Samson's father-in-law gave Samson's wife away to a friend, since he thought Samson "hated" her. He suggests that Samson take his younger daughter instead, saying the younger one's prettier anyway. 15:2

Samson decides to take revenge on the Philistines for -- what? Samson's father-in-law gave away his wife because he thought Samson "hated" her. What did the Philistines have to do with that? 15:3

Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire; the Philistines burn Samson's ex-wife and father-in-law; and Samson smites them "hip and thigh with a great slaughter." 15:4-8

Samson, with God's help, kills himself and 3000 Philistine men and women by causing a roof to collapse, setting an example for Bible-based terrorism. 16:27-30

After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes her home. Then he chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of Israel. 19:22-30

After the Benjamites refuse to turn over the men from Gibeah (the town that wanted to have sex with the Levite but settled for his concubine instead), the Israelites asked God which tribe should go to war with them. God said the tribe of Judah should go first. So Judah goes to war, but the Benjamites with their sharp shooting lefties kill 22,000 Israelites. 20:18-21

hellboy

After 22,000 Israelites were killed by the Benjamites, they cry all day before the Lord. Then they ask God (again) if they should go to war against Benjamin. God said yes, so they try it again, and another 18,000 Israelites are killed. 20:23-25

After 22,000 Israelites were killed by the Benjamites, they cry all day before the Lord. Then they ask God (again) if they should go to war against Benjamin. God said yes, so they try it again, and another 18,000 Israelites are killed. 20:23-25

Once again all of the Israelites sit and weep before God, and ask again (for the third time) if they should attack the Benjamites. God give them his usual answer: Attack. This time he promises (he was just kidding the last couple times) that he "will deliver them into thine hand." 20:26-28

God helps the Israelites kill 25,100 Benjamites. 20:35

The Israelites killed everyone in the city with the edge of the sword. 20:37

Another 25,000 Benjamites are killed by the God-assisted Israelites. 20:44-46

The Israelites finish their massacre of the Benjamites by killing all the men, animals, and everything they could find in every Benjamite city. Then they burned the cities to the ground. (In this way God helped the Israelites make everything better after the rape and dismemberment of the concubine.) 20:48

After the Israelites heard the Levite's story (about chopping up his dead concubine and sending her body parts to each tribe of Israel) they vowed not to "give" their daughters to the Benjamites. So now they had a problem: they just finished killing all the Benjamite women and children (Jg 20:48) so there were no women for the surviving Benjamite men to marry. [There were 600 Benjamite men that survived the war with the Israelites. (Jg 20:47)] 21:1-7

But they find a great solution. They check their records and find that no one from Jabeshgilead came to the rotting-concubine- body-part meeting. So they'll go and steal their women and give them to the 600 surviving Benjamites. 21:8

Here's what the Israelites decide to do. They will go and kill everyone in Jabeshgilead except for the virgin women and give them to the 600 surviving Benjamites. 21:11

hellboy

So the Israelites killed all the non-virgin women and children in Jabeshgilead, bringing back 400 virgin women to give to the Benjamites. But they were still 200 short. Damn! 21:12-14
1 Samuel


"The Lord had shut up her [Hannah's] womb." 1:5

"The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken to pieces; out of heaven shall he thunder upon them." If God doesn't like you, he'll send a thunderstorm your way to break your body into little pieces. 2:10

"Because the LORD would slay them."
Eli's sons didn't listen to him, because God had already decided to kill them. (Which he does in 1 Sam.4:11.) 2:25

"A man of God unto Eli, and said unto him, Thus saith the LORD ... I will cut off thine arm... There shall not be an old man in thine house for ever ... I shall ... consume thine eyes and ... grieve thine heart."
A "man of God" tells Eli that God will "consume his eyes" and "grieve his heart" and make sure that all of his decendants will die young" because of the stuff his sons did. 2:27-32

"And this shall be a sign unto thee, that shall come upon thy two sons, on Hophni and Phinehas; in one day they shall die both of them."
God says he'll kill his two sons as a sign to him. (Just ot remind him of the nasty things he plans to do to him and his descendants to punish him for what his sons did.) 2:34

God will punish Eli's descendants forever for the sins of Eli's sons. 3:12-13

God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 5:6-12

God kills 50,070 men for looking into the ark. "And the people lamented, because the Lord had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter." 6:19

The LORD thundered with a great thunder on that day upon the Philistines, and discomfited them; and they were smitten before Israel." 7:10-11

hellboy

"And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel." People do the darnedest things when the spirit of God comes upon them! 11:6-7

"Saul ... slew the Ammorites unto the heat of the day." Then he took a little break. After all, killing is hard work. 11:11

To day the LORD hath wrought salvation in Israel."
God saved the Israelites by slaughtering the Ammonites. 11:13

God delivers the Philistines into Jonathan's hand. And his very "first slaughter ... was about twenty men." Not bad for a first slaughter. 14:12

Under God's influence, the Philistines killed each other. 14:20

"So the LORD saved Israel that day."
God saved Israel by forcing Philistines to kill each other. 14:23

But later, Saul and his army kill all of those who had not already been killed. 14:36

God orders Saul to kill all of the Amalekites: men, women, infants, sucklings, ox, sheep, camels, and asses. Why? Because God remembers what Amalek did hundreds of years ago. 15:2-3

Saul killed everyone but Agag (the king) and the best of the animals. But still God was furious with Saul for not killing everything as he had been told to do. He said, "it repenteth me that I have set Saul up to be king." 15:7-26

Saul is rebuked by Samuel for "doing evil in the sight of the Lord" by failing to kill all of the Amalekites. 15:18-19

hellboy

"So David ... fought with the Philistines ... and smote them with a great slaughter." 23:5

"There was a man in Maon, whose possessions were in Carmel; and the man was very great. ... The name of the man was Nabal; and the name of his wife Abigail."
David and his band of outlaws tell Nabal to give David everything he has. He refuses, saying that he doesn't even know who David is. David responds by promising to kill everyone in Nabal's household that pisses against the wall. But Abigail went to David and paid him off, so David decided not to kill all of Nabal an all of his wall pissers. 25:2-35

Give, I pray thee, whatsoever cometh to thine hand unto thy servants, and to thy son David."
David sends ten "young men" to tell Nabal to give David whatever he has. 25:8

"If I leave ... any that pisseth against the wall."
David vows to will kill Nabal and all his men (or as he put it, "any that pisseth against the wall".) 25:22

"Except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall."
If Abigail hadn't come and paid him off, David would have killed Nabal and any of his people "that pisseth against the wall". 25:34

"And it came to pass about ten days after, that the Lord smote Nabal, that he died." This was convenient for David who then took his property and his wife, Abigail. 25:38

"When David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, Blessed be the LORD ... And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife." 25:39

So David takes his second wife (Abigail) after God killed he husband (Nabal). He also, at the same time, took another wife (#3), Abinam. In the meantime, Saul gave Michal (his daughter and David's first wife) to another man. 25:41-44

"And David smote the land and left neither man nor woman alive." (No wonder God liked David so much!) 27:8-11

Saul visits a woman with a "familiar spirit" and she brings Samuel back from the dead. Samuel once again explains that God is angry at Saul for not killing all of the Amalekites. He says God is going to deliver all of Israel into the hands of the Philistines. (Since Saul refused to slaughter innocent people, God will slaughter the Israelites. Fair is fair.) 28:8-19

hellboy

"Because thou obeyedst not the voice of the LORD, nor executedst his fierce wrath upon Amalek, therefore hath the LORD done this thing unto thee this day." 28:18

"The LORD will also deliver Israel with thee into the hand of the Philistines: and to morrow shalt thou and thy sons be with me."
God sent a message to Saul (through a dead man brought back to life by a witch) was that tomorrow God would make sure that the Philistines kill him and his sons (to punish Saul for not killing all the Amalekites like God told him to in 1 Samuel 15:3). 28:19

"David smote them from the twilight even unto the evening of the next day: and there escaped not a man of them, save four hundred young men."
David spends the day killing more of those pesky Amalekites. He kills all of them except for 400 that escaped on camels. (See 1 Sam.15:7-8 and 27:8-9 for the last two times they were exterminated.) 30:17

"Now the Philistines fought against Israel; and the men of Israel fled from before the Philistines, and fell down slain in mount Gilboa."
God used the Philistines to kill the Israelite soldiers to punish Saul for not killing all the Amalekites. (See 1 Samuel 28:19) 31:1

"The Philistines slew Jonathan, and Abinadab, and Melchishua, Saul's sons."
God had the Philistines kill Saul's sons to punish him for not killing all the Amalekites. See 1 Samuel 28:19) 31:2

"So Saul died, and his three sons, and his armourbearer, and all his men, that same day together." 31:6
2 Samuel


David tells one of his "young men" to kill the Amalekite messenger who claimed to have mercifully killed Saul at Saul's own request. 1:15

Michal was bought by David with 200 Philistine foreskins (1 Sam.18:25-27), then she was "given" to Phatiel (1 Sam.25:44), and then "taken back" by David. Poor Phatiel must have loved her dearly since he "went along weeping behind her." 3:15-16

When Joab (David's captain) kills Abner (by smiting him under the fifth rib of course), David says that he and his kingdom are not responsible. The blame, he says, lays with Joab. So David curses Joab, his family, and their descendants forever. Let them all be plagued with venereal diseases and leprosy, starve to death, commit suicide, or lean on staves. (The Revised Standard Version translates "leaneth on a staff" as "holds a spindle," apparently meaning effeminate -- real men don't spin or weave.) 3:27-29

Some of David's men kill Saul's son (by smiting him under the fifth rib, of course) and bring his head to David, thinking that he'll be pleased. But he wasn't. David has the assassins killed, their hands and feet chopped off, and their bodies hung up (for decorations?) over the pool in Hebron. 4:6-7

hellboy

Whoever kills the lame and the blind will be David's "chief and captain." 5:8

"David ... grew great, and the LORD God of hosts was with him." 5:10

David asks God if he should kill some more Philistines. God says yes, and he'll even help. So David and God "smote the Philistines" again. 5:19

"David smote them there, and said, The LORD hath broken forth upon mine enemies before me."
God helps David slaughter his enemies. 5:20

"When thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees ... then shall the LORD go out before thee, to smite the host of the Philistines." 5:24

"And David did so, as the LORD had commanded him; and smote the Philistines." 5:25

Uzzah tries to keep the ark from falling off the cart, and God kills him for it. I guess it was God's way of saying Thanks. 6:6-7

King David dances nearly naked in front of God and everybody. When Michal criticizes him for exposing himself, God punishes her by having "no child unto the day of her death." Although 2 Sam.21:8 says that she had five sons (which were sacrificed to God by David to stop God from starving people to death). 6:14-23

"I was with thee whithersoever thou wentest, and have cut off all thine enemies out of thy sight."
God was with David wherever he went and killed all of his enemies for him. 7:9

David kills two thirds of the Moabites and makes the rest slaves. He also cripples the captured horses. 8:2-4

hellboy

"David slew of the Syrians two and twenty thousand men ... and the Lord preserved David withersoever he went." 8:5-6

"David gat him a name when he returned from smiting of the Syrians in the valley of salt, being eighteen thousand men ... And the LORD preserved David whithersoever he went." 8:13-14

David tells Joab (his captain) to send Bathseba's husband (Uriah) to "the forefront of the hottest battle ... that he may be smitten and die." In this way, David gets another wife. 11:15, 17, 27

God is angry at David for having Uriah killed. As a punishment, he will have David's wives raped by his neighbor while everyone else watches. It turns out that the "neighbor" that God sends to do his dirty work is David's own son, Absalom (16:22). 12:11-12

To punish David for having Uriah killed, God kills Bathsheba's baby boy. 12:14-18

After the baby died, David washed, got dressed, had a nice meal, and worshiped the God who killed his son. 12:20-21

"He ... put them under saws, and under harrows of iron, and under axes of iron, and made them pass through the brick-kiln."
David tortured or enslaved (depending on translation) all the inhabitants of several cities. 12:31

"When king David heard of all these things, he was very wroth."
The New Revised Standard Version adds, "but he would not punish his son Amnon, because he loved him, for he was his firstborn."
David loved Ammon "because he was his firstborn" (good parents love their firstborn sons more than their other kids). As the Brick Testament suggests, he probably said something like, "Oh well, I guess firstborns are entitled to one free incestuous rape." 13:21

"And the king left ten women, which were concubines, to keep the house."
David left Jerusalem because he was afraid that his son Absalom was going to kill him. But he left his concubines to fend for themselves. 15:16

To punish his ten concubines for being raped by his son, Absalom (See 16:21-22), David refuses to ever again have sex with them and forces them to "keep house" for the rest of their lives. 20:3

hellboy

"For the LORD had appointed to defeat the good counsel of Ahithophel, to the intent that the LORD might bring evil upon Absalom."
God made Absalom reject the advice of Ahithophel so that he could "bring evil on Absalom." 17:14

"When Ahithophel saw that his counsel was not followed, he saddled his ass, and arose, and gat him home to his house, to his city, and put his household in order, and hanged himself." 17:23

"Then said Ahimaaz ... Let me now run, and bear the king tidings, how that the LORD hath avenged him of his enemies." (See 2 Samuel 17:14) 18:19

"Then cried a wise woman out of the city ... Behold, his head shall be thrown to thee over the wall ... And they cut off the head of Sheba ... and cast it out to Joab." 20:16-22

A famine is sent on David's kingdom for three years. When David asks God why, God answers: "It is for Saul, and his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites. "So God sent a famine to punish a kingdom for something that a former king had done. 21:1

To appease God and end the famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have two of Saul's sons and five of his grandsons killed and hung up "unto the Lord." 21:6-9

"They hanged them in the hill before the LORD." 21:9

"They gathered the bones of them that were hanged ... And after that God was intreated for the land."
God stopped the famine after Saul's two sons and five grandsons were killed and hung up for him. 21:13-14

"I have kept the ways of the LORD, and have not wickedly departed from my God."
David is one of the most despicable characters in all fiction, yet here he brags about how perfect he is. (And God agrees with him! 22:22-24

"He teacheth my hands to war."
Might as well learn from an expert. 22:35

hellboy

"I have pursued mine enemies, and destroyed them; and turned not again until I had consumed them. And I have consumed them, and wounded them, that they could not arise: yea, they are fallen under my feet." 22:38-39

"Thou hast also given me the necks of mine enemies, that I might destroy them that hate me." 22:41

"They looked, but there was none to save; even unto the LORD, but he answered them not." 22:42

"I beat them as small as the dust of the earth, I did stamp them as the mire of the street." 22:43

"It is God that avengeth me, and that bringeth down the people under me. And that bringeth me forth from mine enemies: thou also hast lifted me up on high above them that rose up against me." 22:48-49

"And the LORD wrought a great victory that day; and the people returned after him only to spoil." 23:10-12

David was thirsty, so he asked someone to get him some water from the Bethlehem well, which was controlled by the Philistines. Three of his men broke through the enemy lines, got the water from the well, and brought it back to David. But he refused to drink it and poured it on the ground. 23:15-17

God tempts David to take a survey. 24:1

God offers David a choice of punishments for having conducted the census: 1) seven years of famine ( 1 Chr.21:1 says three years), 2) three months fleeing from enemies, or 3) three days of pestilence. David can't decide, so God chooses for him and sends a pestilence, killing 70,000 men (and probably around 200,000 women and children). 24:13

Even David can see the injustice of God's punishment (killing hundreds of thousands of people because David took a census). He pleads with God saying, "I have sinned ... but these sheep, what have they done?" 24:17

hellboy

1 Kings


In David's last words, he commands his son Solomon to murder Joab and Shimei. 2:1-9

Solomon has his brother (Adonijah) murdered. 2:24-25

Solomon carries out the deathbed instructions of his father David by having Joab murdered. 2:29-34

Solomon justifies the murder of Joab by saying that Joab also was a murderer, and that the blood of Joab's victims "shall therefore return upon the head of Joab, and upon the head of his seed for ever." 2:33

But Solomon is not done murdering yet. He has Shimei murdered -- or as Solomon put it, "The Lord shall return thy wickedness upon thine own head." 2:44, 46

"In thy days I will not do it for David thy father's sake: but I will rend it out of the hand of thy son."
God is angry with Solomon, but decides to punish Solomon's son rather than Solomon himself, because he liked Solomon's father (David) so darned much. 11:11-12

"The LORD stirred up an adversary unto Solomon, Hadad the Edomite."
To punish Solomon for his strange wives and strange gods, God "stirred up an adversary unto Solomon, Hadad the Edomite." 11:14

"Joab ... had smitten every male in Edom." 11:15-16

"And God stirred him up another adversary, Rezon." 11:23

"Jerusalem, the city which I have chosen."
God likes Jerusalem better than any other city. 11:36

hellboy

King Josiah is prophesied to sacrifice the priests of the "high places" on their altars. And he does so in 2 Kg.23:20. Note that this is a guy who "did what was right in the eyes of the Lord" (2 Kg.22:2). 13:2

"And his hand, which he put forth against him, dried up ... And the man of God besought the LORD, and the king's hand was restored him again."
Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king Jeroboam. 13:4-6

"A lion met him by the way, and slew him."
There were these two prophets. The first prophet lied to the second. To the punish the second for believing the first's lie, God sends a lion to kill him. Get it? 13:11-24

"When the prophet ... heard thereof, he said, It is the man of God, who was disobedient unto the word of the LORD: therefore the LORD hath delivered him unto the lion, which hath torn him, and slain him, according to the word of the LORD." 13:26

God promises to "bring evil upon the house of Jerobaom," saying he will "cut off" anyone "that pisseth against the wall." Then, after he is done with them, their dead bodies will be eaten by dogs (if they are city dwellers) or fowls (if they are country folk). 14:10-11

"I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall." 14:10

"Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it." 14:11

"When thy feet enter into the city, the child shall die." 14:12

"For the LORD shall smite Israel ... because they have made their groves, provoking the LORD to anger." 14:15

"When she came to the threshold of the door, the child died."
To punish Jeroboam for making gold calves, God killed his son. 14:17

hellboy

Asa "did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD" by expelling homosexuals (or "sodomites", as the good book calls them). 15:12

Baasha kills "all of the house of Jeroboam" leaving none "to breath." This slaughter was done "according to the word of the Lord." 15:29

"I will ... make thy house like the house of Jeroboam. Him that dieth of Baasha in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth of his in the fields shall the fowls of the air eat."
God says he's going to kill Baasha's family (like he did Jeroboam's). 16:3-4

"Because he killed him."
God will kill Baasha and his family for killing Jeroboam and his family (even though God wanted him to do it). 16:7

"He slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks, nor of his friends. Thus did Zimri destroy all the house of Baasha, according to the word of the LORD."
Zimri kills everyone "that pisseth against a wall ... according to the word of the Lord." 16:11-12

"When Zimri saw that the city was taken, that he went into the palace of the king's house, and burnt the king's house over him with fire, and died. For his sins which he sinned in doing evil in the sight of the LORD, in walking in the way of Jeroboam, and in his sin which he did, to make Israel to sin."
Did God force Zimri to burn himself to death? 16:18-19

"He laid the foundation thereof in Abiram his firstborn, and set up the gates thereof in his youngest son Segub, according to the word of the LORD."
When Hiel rebuilds Jericho, he lays the foundation with the body of his oldest son and sets up the gates with his youngest son's body "according to the word of the Lord."
Did God want Hiel to sacrifice his sons in this way? Did he make him do it? What does "according to the word of the Lord" mean here? 16:34

Elijah kills 450 prophets of Baal. 18:22, 40

"There came a prophet unto Ahab king of Israel, saying, Thus saith the LORD, Hast thou seen all this great multitude? behold, I will deliver it into thine hand this day; and thou shalt know that I am the LORD." 20:13

"They slew every one his man: and the Syrians fled; and Israel pursued them ... And the king of Israel ... slew the Syrians with a great slaughter."
The first God assisted "great slaugher" of the Syrians. 20:21

hellboy

God delivers the Syrians into the Israelites' hands, and 100,000 were killed in one day. Of those that escaped, 27,000 were crushed by a falling wall. 20:28-30

"A man of God ... said, Thus saith the LORD, Because the Syrians have said, The LORD is God of the hills, but he is not God of the valleys, therefore will I deliver all this great multitude into thine hand, and ye shall know that I am the LORD."
God kills 127,000 Syrians because they said he was God of the hills but not God of the valleys. 20:28

"The children of Israel slew of the Syrians an hundred thousand footmen in one day." 20:29

"There a wall fell upon twenty and seven thousand of the men that were left." 20:30

"Ben-hadad said unto him, The cities, which my father took from thy father, I will restore ... Then said Ahab, I will send thee away with this covenant. So he made a covenant with him, and sent him away."
King Ahab is merciful to king Beh-hada. God will later kill him for it. (See 1 Kings 20:42 and 22:35) 20:34

There was this son of a prophet that said to his neighbor, "Smite me." But the neighbor refused. So God sent a lion to devour him. 20:35-36

"A certain man of the sons of the prophets said unto his neighbour in the word of the LORD, Smite me, I pray thee. And the man refused to smite him." 20:35
Then said he unto him, Because thou hast not obeyed the voice of the LORD, behold, as soon as thou art departed from me, a lion shall slay thee. And as soon as he was departed from him, a lion found him, and slew him." 20:36


Thus saith the LORD, Because thou hast let go out of thy hand a man whom I appointed to utter destruction, therefore thy life shall go for his life, and thy people for his people."
The prophet tells king Ahab that he will be killed and his people punished for not killing Ben-hadad: "Your life shall go for his life, and your people for his people." 20:42

"Thou didst blaspheme God and the king."
Although Naboth was set up here by Jezebel to steal his land, the text assumes that the proper punishment for "blaspheming God and the king" is death by stoning. 21:10-13

"Thus saith the Lord, in the place where dogs licked the blood of Naboth shall dogs lick thy blood, even thine."
God says that dogs with lick Ahab's blood. But Jezebel, not Ahab, was repsonsible for Naboth's death. 21:19

hellboy

"Behold, I will bring evil upon thee, and will take away thy posterity, and will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall."
God will "bring evil upon" Ahab and kill everyone in his family "that pisseth against the wall." 21:21

The dogs shall eat Jezebel." Jezebel (Ahab's "strange" wife) "stirred up" Ahab to "work wickedness in the sight of the Lord." To punish her, God will feed her dead body to the dogs. He also plans to feed Ahab's family to the dogs (if they live in the city) and to the birds (if they are country folks). 21:23-25

"Seest thou how Ahab humbleth himself before me? because he humbleth himself before me, I will not bring the evil in his days: but in his son's days will I bring the evil upon his house."
Since Ahab humbles himself before the Lord, God decides not to bring evil on him; he'll he'll bring it on Ahab's son instead. 21:29

"And the LORD said, Who shall persuade Ahab?"
God asks for volunteer among the guys hanging out with him. He wants one of them to lie for him so that he can get Ahab kiiled. 22:19-22

God puts a "lying spirit" in the mouth of his prophets. 22:22

Jehoshaphat "did that which was right in the eyes of the Lord" and "took" the homosexuals (sodomites) "out of the land," or as the RSV says, "he exterminated" them. 22:43, 46
2 Kings


Ahaziah was sick and sent messengers to Baalzebub to ask if he would recover. God was jealous of the attention given to his competitor and tells Ahaziah that he will die for asking the wrong god. 1:2-8

Elijah shows that he is "a man of God" by burning 102 men to death. He did the job in two shifts of 51 men each. 1:9-12
God kills Ahaziah for consulting another God. 1:16-17


God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's bald head. 2:23-24

God instructs the Israelites, through the prophet Elisha, to implement a scorched earth policy on the Moabites. "Strike every fortified city and every choice city, and fell every good tree and stop all springs of water, and mar every good piece of land with stones." 3:19-25

hellboy

Elisha not only can cure leprosy, he can also dish it out. Here he makes his servant (Gehazi) and all his descendants lepers forever. 5:27

"So we boiled my son, and did eat him." Women killed, boiled and ate their own children because of a plague that God sent, or as the Bible puts it: "Behold, this evil is of the Lord." 6:28-29, 33

Someone questions Elisha's forecast, and Elisha tells him (indirectly) that he'll be killed for it. (And he is. See 7.17-20.) 7:2

"Thus saith the LORD God ... thou shalt smite the house of Ahab thy master, that I may avenge the blood of my servants the prophets, and the blood of all the servants of the LORD, at the hand of Jezebel." 9:6-7

A man is trampled to death for disbelieving Elisha. 7:17-20

God sends a famine on the people that lasts for seven years. 8:1

God announces his plan to kill Ahab's family. 9:6-10

"Thus saith the LORD God ... thou shalt smite the house of Ahab thy master, that I may avenge the blood of my servants the prophets, and the blood of all the servants of the LORD, at the hand of Jezebel." 9:6-7

"For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall." 9:8

"I will make the house of Ahab like the house of Jeroboam ... Baasha."
God will kill Ahab's family just like he did the families of Jeroboam and Baasha. 9:9

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"And the dogs shall eat Jezebel ... and there shall be none to bury her." 9:10

God pays back Ahab by killing his son. 9:24

All seventy of king Ahab's sons are killed, their heads put in baskets, and sent to Jezreel. He says, "Lay ye them in two heaps ..." 10:7-8

Jehu kills all that remained of king Ahab's family. 10:11

Jehu meets with 42 brothers of Ahaziah, and then he murders them. 2 Chronicles 22:7 says that his killing was "of God." 10:13-14

Jehu shows off his zeal for the Lord by murdering "all that remained unto Ahab in Samaria, till he had destroyed him according to the word of the Lord." 10:16-17

Jehu lied to the followers of Baal so that he could trap and kill them. 10:19

Jehu warns his guards saying, "If any of the men escape, he that letteth him go, his life shall be for the life of him." 10:24

Jehu, when he finishes his animal sacrifices, orders his men to "Go in, and slay them, let none come forth. And they smote them with the edge of the sword." 10:25

God is greatly pleased with all of Jehu's killings, saying "because thou hast done well in executing that which is right in mine eyes, and hast done unto the house of Ahab according to all that was in mine heart [Jehu murdered them all], thy children of the fourth generation shall sit on the throne of Israel." 10:30